PMT and self pity (you have been warned!)

I have been in a foul mood and full of self pity all week.

There are several possible reasons for this.

The Canary is moving out in about 2 weeks and I'm going to miss her dreadfully. I'm really happy that she has fallen for a lovely man who adores her, but a tiny nasty selfish part of me is also very envious. Best Male Friend will be moving in and that is something I also have mixed feelings about. BMF and I have been friends for years. We met in a bar in London and dated for a few weeks but soon realised we'd rather just be friends. That was over 15 years ago, and in the interim we were flatmates for about 7 years and even owned a place together for a while. He is one of my best friends, I love him dearly like a brother, but I still feel as though I'm regressing when I thought my life had moved on. I have a horrible recurring image of us both in our seventies, still flat mates, me still single and childless, sitting looking at each other across the kitchen table and me wondering what happened to my life.

I'm also really struggling again to cope with raging PMT after coming off prozac. If it lasted a couple of days it would be manageable, but it generally lasts for two weeks out of every four. I seesaw between feeling happy, optimistic and alive for half the month then wake up one morning feeling as though there is a great weight looming above me, and everything seems hopeless and heavy and dark.

Finally, I didn't ovulate this month. Since my last relationship ended a couple of years ago, I've been looking into trying to get pregnant using sperm donation, so have been monitoring my cycle for the last few months using one of those little electric monitors that tell you when you're most fertile and when you ovulate. Well this month I didn't ovulate and I've convinced myself its a sign of early menopause. I know in theory that this can be normal, but when you see it on the monitor I can tell you it doesn't FEEL bloody normal.

All in all, think I'd better avoid blogging until my hormone levels, the planets, or whatever else realigns. Then perhaps I'll remember I'm actually very fortunate and should be thankful for all that I have.

The Drama Queen has now left the building.