In which I bite the bullet....

So, another long break, and a lot to catch up on, but I’ll try to be brief….

Number 1: the job situation.

I dithered and dithered for 6 weeks until about 10 minutes before I had to give my decision to HR, when I finally confided to a friend at work about my work dilemma versus the baby making situation. She looked at me as though I was mad, and actually said “are you MAD? Of COURSE you have to take the job they are offering you here.” The mist cleared, I realised she was right, and trotted off to HR to accept the job.

And contrary to all expectations I am actually really enjoying it…..

Number 2: the baby making situation.

The clinic insisted I went for lots of tests to check my fertility etc before they would start discussing next steps. I really did NOT appreciate just what my friends with children went through.

I have no dignity left.

The first sign of things to come was when I went for the first scan. I assumed it would be a pelvic scan, I’d bare a discreet amount of tummy and that would be it.

How naive.

I was about to get on the couch when the nurse said to me, “you do realise it’s an internal don’t you?” and got out what I can only describe as a gigantic dildo. At one point she said she’d lost my left ovary, but not to worry. How can you mislay an ovary? There’s only so many places it can be surely?

Since then I’ve been prodded and poked, invaded with tubes and dyes and X-rays, and generally spent so much time with my feet in stirrups that I’ve started getting vertigo when standing upright, and automatically assume the position when going to bed at night.

And the bad news is that the final results of all these tests are not very good, and they’re going to give me a try for a couple of cycles with IUI and lots of nasty fertility drugs/injections, then it’s straight on to IVF. First try is early Feb so please send lots of positive thoughts my way.

Number 3: the Bald Bloke situation

BB has been around quite a lot the last few months, mostly as part of our group of mutual friends, with the odd evening by ourselves on a “friends” type footing. Then just after Christmas, I invited him and his young son (who was staying with him for a couple of days) round for dinner….and he basically stayed for the next 5 days and thoroughly spoiled me. Though he stayed nights, it was all fairly innocent with me just falling asleep in his arms. (But you don’t do naked cuddles with friends, do you?).

So during that time I lived in a lovely warm cosy bubble, feeling very protected and cared for, though still not too sure what was happening, trying to forget that there was something very important I REALLY should tell him and every chance he would go AWOL when I did……

Conversation on Day 6 (last Sunday morning) went something like this:

Me: “there’s something I need to talk to you about, and I’ve been dreading it because I’m not sure how you’re going to react”

BB: “you put poison in the fish pie last night”

Me: “Just the usual low dose of arsenic. No…well its not really a secret, it's just I didn’t know how to say…(waffle, waffle)…I had some tests done recently and basically if I want a baby it’s now or never….”

BB: (silence. looking inscrutable. possibly a little terrified)

Me: “I’ve gone to a clinic and start IVF treatment in about 4 weeks, but I can only afford to try 3 or 4 times and the odds aren’t good”

BB: (long pause) “Have you thought about acupuncture? That’s supposed to increase your chances to about 60%?”

Me: (stunned silence)

BB: “I can understand why you have to do this.” (pause). “Shall we go for that walk now?” (and later, when walking past mother with toddler throwing major tantrum) “That could be you soon!”.

So now we’re both back to work and relative normality. I got a text from him on Monday “Are you OK? ;o) X” but nothing since, though that’s not unusual when he’s working (can’t multitask).

Given the complicated situation, the best case would be that we stay friends. But as he has a history of disappearing out of my life with minimal cause, and that I’ve now given him a gigantic MAMMOTH size reason to do so, I think I’ll just give him some space and see what happens…