Introspection and a difficult decision

Strange to realise it is only Wednesday as I write this. I feel as though I have spent several weeks wondering what to do. N moved in just over a week ago, but the couple of days he has been away have really helped to clear my head. The peace is truly wonderful. Already I feel just that little bit lighter, calmer.

I saw Mellors for the last time on Friday, having finally come to my senses and accepted that I was not comfortable with the situation, and more importantly had lost my self respect.

N is more difficult. I know that ultimately I can't continue to live with him, but feel torn and guilty because he really is like a brother. And I know he has been looking forward to being here, felt like he is "coming home". Oh god. He has had such a difficult time over the last few years. But I just can't deal with the conflict and disruption to my life. I feel like I'm losing control again and my home is no longer my sanctuary. So I know what I have to do, and I know that he will be lovely and understanding, but that doesn't stop me feeling incredibly guilty and worrying about his future.

So that is two decisions made, and I'm sitting here pondering again. What do I do now? How can I get my life on track?