In which life gets more complicated...

Well I still haven't loaded those wedding photos, and have been incredibly lax (again) about updating my blog. Then this morning, while waiting in for the aga man, the gutter man and Bald Bloke, my blogging conscience gave up pricking me with a pin and got out a dirty great sledgehammer. So, on with the latest Blonde installment.....

I found out in dribs and drabs over the last 2 weeks that the department I work in is being restructured, and oops, as of 1st Oct my "role is now redundant" as are the jobs of 3 good workfriends. Apparently I get the official letter on monday, then enter a 30 day period of "consultation" where they try to find me another job. So far, all they have come up with is the old job I had before being promoted, which although having gone through several job titles was more or less what I had been doing for the past 10 years. I know I should be grateful to at least have this option, especially in these uncertain times and given that I don't have a partner with another income. BUT I'M NOT.

I'm pissed off.

At least I am today.

Yesterday I was depressed and tearful; on Wednesday I was ridiculously cheerful and telling myself "don't be such a drama queen, all will be fine, you always land on your feet"; on Tuesday I was full of self pity and internally wailing "why me?"; on Monday I was in superwoman mode frantically calling round my network and feeling empowered.....and so on.

There is a possibility of a job in another company, which actually sounds pretty perfect, but.....this is where my dilemma re what to do gets a bit more complex.

Having been let down again by another potential sperm donor, I decided to go to an open evening at a new fertility centre that has opened in Hove. After a fairly depressing presentation with lots of statistics about fertility decline (apparently 5% chance of pregnancy in each cycle for 40-42 yr age group), and a daunting price list for donor insemination, I accepted that at nearly 41 I really don't have time to wait anymore. But how will that fit in with the job situation? I can't very well turn up pregnant on my first day at a new company. But if I accept my old job back, it will involve some travelling and I'm also not sure it would fit in with my plans to work part-time. Hmmm. Not sure there's an easy answer to this one.

As another minor complication, well... not so much complication but more of a background what's going on here thing, Bald Bloke has been around quite a bit. Initially to do some work for me (the massive wooden gate he built is beautiful), but increasingly also as a friendly social thing. And I do like having an alpha male around - it makes me feel very protected. Arty Girl is suspicious about his motives, and didn't help my current "baby fever" by telling me he said he could imagine having a baby with me (he doesn't know about the donor plans). Given our history, and that he tends to be more of a talking and less of a doing anything about it bloke, I can't imagine this would EVER happen or work out, or that I even would want it to. But every so often I catch myself having a fleeting daydream, and have to give myself a good shake: Stop it Blonde! He's not a big tempting balding sperm machine. Put those hormones away.

But now back to the main dilemma. What do I do? I only have 30 days to find out all my options and make a decision.

Right now I'm thinking I'm going to trust to fate, and get myself down the clinic.